friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session