friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
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God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun