Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

See..?

.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Happy Febuary everyone!