Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You Might Also Like
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today