Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
This one’s “Alex”.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.