Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You Might Also Like
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
The Eggorcist
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor