Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count