Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

seems fine

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts