Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!