Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

If only