Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?