Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?