Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Jesus Christ lmao
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice