Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
A fake ID that makes you younger
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*