Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Just me and my debit card against the world

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film