Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.