Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john