Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???