Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You Might Also Like
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”