Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

#math

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.