Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I feel this so hard
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.