Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“you recording!?”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I am also baked goods
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.