Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.