Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed