Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*