Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
#Caturday
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.
For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.