Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

(yawn)

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.