Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?