Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth