Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.