Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

guilty

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP