Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though