FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I