Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

I feel seen.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”