FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
normalize having existential bread
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me driving through Toronto
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL