Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

This dude got his own movie?

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

#dalle2

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen