Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.