Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
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why am I working on Labor Day
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.