Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.