Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Its a hippotatomus
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.