Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
so weird how every mom was born today
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
seriously you guys
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.