Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

sigh

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Warm pools make me nervous.

serving silly goose instead of turkey

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.