Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.