Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

i dont have time for this

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.