Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Okay

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

…..pretty much.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.