friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.