friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
You Might Also Like
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned