Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

*looks at you in batman voice*

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation