Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
