Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I remember when things only cost an arm.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
incredible
I am crying
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN