Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.