Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
That’s incredible! 👌
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
!!!!!!!!!!!
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends