@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

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@HidingNDAttic

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

@hunbothered

Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.

The End

@headway10

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”

@Jayden_Bryce

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

@OctopusCavemann

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

@Book_Krazy

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

@Amburglar_

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”