date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
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GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!
ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.
ANTS: The what now?
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!
“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!