@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

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@FredTaming

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@Audenary

GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!

ANTS: Hooray!

ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.

ANTS: The what now?

@CoopSoSarc

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@thedad

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!