@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

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@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

@HanukkahKandle

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@Mr_Kapowski

“Will you marry me?”

“The cookie was poison”

“The lotto numbers will never win”

Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies

@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@DrDogMD

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

@PJTLynch

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor