I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“Will you marry me?”
“The cookie was poison”
“The lotto numbers will never win”
Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
yup im doing this
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor