Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.