Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Camel dough
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Woke up against my better judgment again
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!