FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree