FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now