Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

…

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill