Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.