Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Otters see a butterfly.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
pls suprot
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time