Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.