Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
who wore it better?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
What?
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.