Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Accurate
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces