Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you can’t find your friend Neil

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Couple goals

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

I can’t stop laughing at this

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

lol

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.