Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Golf would be better with landmines.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Good dog. ❤️
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels