Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
WHY would you be happy about this?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from