Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

I put the I in Insufferable.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.