friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
This could be us but you eatin’
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE