friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?