friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.