Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

Feels like the fourth month in January

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

I told my vodka about you.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?