Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
hmm conte-me mais
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.