Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I march to the beat of my own dumb

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

never forget

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.