Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.