Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My inexpensive home security system…
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.