Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showerkraut

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?