Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Strange
britain’s three elite institutions
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.