Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.