Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

😅🤣😂

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

This billboard speaks to me

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I’m going to need a moment here.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same