friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
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Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Saturday
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti