friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.