Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!