Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Haha good job!!

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.