Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Pee pressure > peer pressure

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Okay